the life I live

Lyrics

I don’t love myself…
My heart be crumbling in the niiiight skyyy…
Tell me how I’m supposed to love…
When I can’t even look into my own eyes tonight…
( …slow pause… )
Rain dripping down the window slow…
Like tears the sky don’t wanna show…
Streetlights blur into gold and grey…
While another piece of me fade away…
The room too quiet…
My thoughts too loud…
Got pain in my chest I can’t talk about…
Everybody say “you’ll be okay…”
But those words feel empty now…
Tick… tick… tick…
Hear the clock keep mocking me…
Every second feel heavier…
Like time itself exhausting me…
I lay awake with tired eyes…
Watching shadows move at night…
And honestly the dark feels safer…
Than pretending I’m alright…
I don’t love myself…
I just know how to fake it well…
Laugh loud so nobody notices…
I’m going through hell…
( …silence… )
I still remember being younger…
When life ain’t hurt this much…
When happiness came naturally…
And love ain’t feel so out of touch…
Back then the stars looked beautiful…
Now they just look far away…
Like everything I ever wanted…
Was never meant for me to taste…
I hear old voices in my memory…
Friends that drifted over time…
People swore they’d never leave…
Now they barely cross my mind…
And maybe that’s what growing up is…
Watching everything disappear…
Learning even good things fade…
Till all that’s left is fear…
I keep old messages on my phone…
Read them when I feel alone…
Like maybe somewhere in those words…
I’ll find the version of me that’s gone…
But all I find is emptiness…
A feeling I can’t put to rest…
Like no matter how much time moves on…
Sadness still living in my chest…
I don’t love myself…
My heart be crumbling in the niiiight skyyy…
Every dream I try holding onto…
Just slowly passes by…
How am I supposed to heal…
How am I supposed to fight…
When every little thing inside me…
Feel too weak to survive…
( …slow instrumental… )
The moon hanging cold outside…
Like it know how it feels to cry…
Still glowing even while it broken…
Still silent every night…
And maybe that’s why I relate…
Cause I know what it’s like to hurt…
To keep everything trapped inside…
Till your soul feel worse and worse…
Mama asked me why I stay awake…
Why I look tired every day…
I just shrugged and looked away…
Cause pain too hard to explain…
How do you tell somebody…
Your own mind don’t feel safe?
How do you explain waking up…
Already drained before the day?
Every mirror feel like punishment…
Every flaw look permanent…
Every smile I force nowadays…
Feel artificial and worthless…
I hate how much I overthink…
One bad memory make me sink…
Every awkward word replaying…
Till I can barely even think…
And nobody notices the signs…
Cause sadness hide between the lines…
Behind “I’m good”…
Behind tired eyes…
Behind fake laughs all the time…
I don’t love myself…
I just survive another night…
Another song inside my headphones…
Another battle with my mind…
And music the only thing lately…
That understand my soul…
Cause lyrics don’t tell me “move on”…
They just sit with me in the cold…
( …pause… )
4 AM and the rain still falling…
Room still dark and my chest still hurting…
I hear cars pass somewhere outside…
Like the whole world moving without me…
And maybe that’s the saddest thing…
Life don’t stop for pain…
The sun still rise…
People still smile…
While somebody breaking in the rain…
I see strangers laughing together…
And wonder what that feel like now…
To exist without this heaviness…
Without thoughts dragging you down…
Cause every day feel harder lately…
Like my soul running out of strength…
And every time I almost heal…
Something pull me back again…
I keep my hoodie pulled up low…
Headphones drowning out the world…
Trying not to think too deeply…
Trying not to let it hurt…
But nights like this make everything louder…
Every fear gain power…
Every memory come flooding back…
Every lonely hour after hour…
I don’t love myself…
My heart be crumbling in the niiiight skyyy…
Like ashes floating through the dark…
Waiting slowly just to die…
And every tear I never show…
Still living deep inside…
Turning into empty songs…
I whisper late at night…
( …long silence… )
Sometimes I wonder if people like me…
Were made to feel things too deeply…
Like every small crack in the heart…
Turn into something deadly…
Cause I carry pain everywhere now…
In my voice… in my eyes…
In the way I stare too long at ceilings…
Every sleepless night…
And I know tomorrow coming soon…
Another morning, same old room…
Same fake smile… same tired soul…
Same emptiness I can’t outgrow…
So I’ll get dressed and say I’m fine…
While something inside me slowly dies…
And nobody gonna hear the truth…
Behind the quiet in my eyes…
I don’t love myself…
My heart still crumbling in the niiiight skyyy…
And when the whole world falls asleep…
That’s when the broken parts of me come alive…