The New Firm

Lyrics

​(Verse 1)
In Ankh-Morpork where the river is thick enough to walk,
There’s a pair of entrepreneurs of whom the shadows talk.
They don’t need a guild license, they don’t need a permit,
If there’s a crime to be committed, they’re the ones to affirm it!
Meet Mr. Pin, the brains of the show,
With a mind like a razor and a voice pitched low.
He’s narrow and sharp, like a splinter of glass,
Waiting for a moment to let the violence pass.
​(Verse 2)
And then there’s Mr. Tulip, a mountain in a suit,
With a love for fine art and a penchant for loot.
He’s got "the –ing look" and a –ing big fist,
And a list of substances that shouldn’t exist!
He’s a connoisseur of the "chemical" persuasion,
Seeking a high for every occasion.
He doesn’t just smoke it or sniff it or chew it,
If it looks like a powder, he’s –ing well through it!
​(Chorus)
Oh, they’re The New Firm, they’re the cutting edge,
They’ll push your reputation right over the ledge.
One provides the logic, the other provides the "Whack!"
With a trunk full of chemicals and a knife in your back.
It’s a synergy of madness, a clockwork machine,
The nastiest duo that the Disc has ever seen!
​(Verse 3)
Now Tulip spotted a bowl of mothballs on the shelf,
And thought he’d try a dozen just to satisfy himself.
He ground ‘em up with troll-dust and a bit of blue soap,
While Pin just sighed and abandoned all hope.
"Mr. Tulip," said Pin, "could you put down the bowl?
The camphor is melting a hole in your soul!"
But Tulip just blinked with a –ing glazed eye,
And asked for a canvas so he could go cry.
​(Bridge)
"Now listen," said Pin, with a flick of his wrist,
"There’s a logical point that I fear you have missed.
You say that you’re drugged, and you’re acting quite tragic,
But chemistry, Tulip, isn’t some kind of magic!
All drugs are chemicals, that much is true,
(A fact that is clearly currently killing you).
But not all chemicals are drugs, you see?
So stop eating the –ing potpourri!"
​(Verse 4)
One is the needle, one is the sledge,
Living their lives on the –ing sharp edge.
Pin plots the swindle, the heist, and the lie,
While Tulip sees 'Potato Eaters' up in the sky.
He’ll beat you to death with a Renaissance bust,
Then sneeze out a cloud of industrial dust.
They work so well ‘cause they’re both quite insane,
One in the heart and one in the brain!
​(Chorus)
Oh, they’re The New Firm, they’re the cutting edge,
They’ll push your reputation right over the ledge.
One provides the logic, the other provides the "Whack!"
With a trunk full of chemicals and a knife in your back.
It’s a synergy of madness, a clockwork machine,
The nastiest duo that the Disc has ever seen!
​(Outro)
So keep your hand on your wallet and your eyes on the door,
When you hear a heavy boot-step on the –ing floor.
With a vial of turpentine and a plan made of tin,
Here comes Mr. Tulip and his pal Mr. Pin.
(Hiss of steam)
(The sound of a heavy object hitting someone)
—ING POTATOES!