Who I Am

Lyrics

'Who I Am' By Seth Chaney..

I'm a thirty-three year old nobody, an unemployed homebody, livin wit my mom barely makin it I used to be somebody but I begin trippin slowly sinkin inta a depression wit no means of fixin it.

When I turned twenty-seven I got sloshed thought after thought just caved in, I got fixated on all da trauma all da shame all da mistakes I made, fixated on every bad thing that's ever been said my way, I wanted an endin, my own fairytale but wit'a big fail for'a finish, took pill after pill till I didn't feel well den kept poppin wit'out stoppin, I wanted ta end up in'a coffin not confined to my own thought process in'a lock-box stuck in'a cycle dat recycles after cycle mind stuck in recycle but I need'a realign deez lines start again when my mind unwinds...

*I'm fine, I'm fine* *Just give me some time*

*I'll be back, I just need ta escape reality, find some peace*

There I was fallin crashin collapsin head splashin wiplashin as I was convulsin slashin at an slappin anyone who'was tryin ta help me continue breathin while I wanted ta surrender a life-long bender, take my life an return back ta sender.

Then I woke up somewhere I never wanted ta be surrounded by machines while white shadows were watchin me breathe deez shadows askin questions I was too broken ta know too messed up ta speak eyes so swollen I couldn't even see, nurses checkin vitals while my mind still wanted ta leave, but I survived what should have been a happy end for my story.. Survival ain't victory when ya wake up feelin sorry ya life story is so borin da best part is when it all fell apart den tossed it all into painful bars for art..

*This is made for, every person dat is or eva was scared, every face dat's been misplaced, every person tryin'ta hold onto hope while da shadows missplace ya faith, for everyone strugglin barely makin'it, everything's an uphill battle, I'm with you I lost my will da moment I popped doze pills, now I turn thoughts ta lyrics for anyone ta hear...*

*Where was I?*

*Oh right*

Then came treatment, I felt tormented appointment after appointment, medication *seizures , anxiety, depression* pain management therapy observation emotional obligations psychological evaluation psychiatric stabilization every conversation felt like'a interrogation *Will you do this again?*

Tryna excavate da wreckage buried deep in my brain, tryna separate da trauma from da guilt like it ain't da same two shames, tryna teach me how ta live wit all da thoughts in my head, like dey know anythin about da silent screaming dead within, tryin ta teach me how ta wake up every mornin without wishin I was just'a stinch from downwind wishin for'a end constantly.

Sittin in a room like *who the hell am I?*

Thirty-three years old an still askin why I'm even alive.

How'd I go from dreamin big ta barely gettin by?

How'd I become so comfortable wit watchin myself die?

I don't recognize da person lookin back from da otha side, every reflection gets distorted every memory gettin farther, I'm surrounded by people but I'm still feelin alone searchin for darkness tryna scream foe silence while my thoughts grow violent.

I'm Fine.
*I'm fine I'm fine*

Yeah that's da lie I keep rehearsin, while my mind keep reversin every moment dat be hurtin every failure every fracture every word I still remember tryna burn away da past but every scar becomes a tether, each connected to'a letter *Will things get better?*

I learned recovery ain't pretty it ain't one song one pill one day one epiphany it's wakin up exhausted and still choosin ta stay when all ya want ta do is escape and fade, it's admittin ya need help when ya wanna run away each day, it's therapy sessions where ya finally say what's beneath... *Even though those therapy sessions are just you silently screaming internally*..
It's medication adjustments when ya thoughts start creepin deep, *but medication can't set ya mind free*.

Recovery is relearnin how'ta breathe when anxiety peaks.
*Or be like me an never speak.*
It's lookin at ya demons without lettin'em speak *or deciding to set them free to unleash on sick beats and write for free, release their leash an let dem speak.*

I wanted an endin and still do but here I am at anotha beginnin I'm stuck in between what I lost and what I'm rebuildin, what I killed and what I'm still mendin.

*I'm still broken*
*I'm still bitter*
*I'm still mentally distant*

I'm still fightin every thought dats twistin my vision, who I am ain't who I was meant ta be but maybe bein damaged doesn't mean I'm beyond bein seen maybe all deeze scars are great for bars they just evidence I survived what I shouldn't'have maybe now I can become someone I thought I never would've or could've.

*I'm still a nobody.*
*Still a homebody.*
*Still unemployed.*
*Still barely makin it.*
*Still fightin anxiety an depression.*
Still questionin everythin.
*Still hearin da dark thoughts.*
*Still scared of tomorrow.*
*But I'm here and*
*Seth Chaney isnt going anywhere!