Title: The Sensei of the Sofa (Male Version)

Lyrics

Verse 1
​Step into the dojo of my mind, if you dare
I’m a grandmaster legend in this swivel desk chair
Ask anybody, yeah, the word is on the street
My tactical awareness simply cannot be beat.
You think you’re fast? My intellect is faster
I’m a certified, bonafide, theoretical master.
I’m at the brink of greatness, top of the class
I’ll put your "physical training" right on its—cough—grass.
My brain is a library of lethal techniques
I’ve been studying the masters for seventy weeks!
​[Chorus]
​I’m the king of the combat, the lord of the flow
Check the mental catalog of everything I know:
I got Judo, Aikido, and Jujutsu in the mix
Kendo, Kung Fu, Wushu—pick a style, take your pick!
Karate, Wing Chun, yeah, I’m deep in Ninjutsu
Taekwondo, Tang Soo Do, and I even know Sumo!
That’s just the Orient, the start of the show
I’ve got the rest of the world and its mother to go!
​[Verse 2]
​I’m global with it, yeah, I’m worldly and wise
I can spot a fatal pressure point from miles with these eyes.
I know Muay Thai, Capoeira, and Eskrima too
Yaw-Yan and Kickboxing? Nothing is new.
Ssireum from Korea? Yeah, I know the stance
I just haven’t found the time to put on the pants.
Any "Master" out there who wants a real lesson
Come find me on Discord, I’ll tell you what you’re missing!
​[Bridge]
​(Beat drops out. Sound of a soda can opening and a heavy sigh.)
Now, don’t get it twisted, let’s be totally clear
I haven’t actually... moved... in over a year.
I’m a bit of a unit, a mountain of a man
I’m a heavy-set scholar with a gaming-chair tan.
I can’t do a backflip, I can’t do a lick
But I’ve watched Enter the Dragon at least eighty-six...
Times. I’m like Hawking, but for breaking a bone
A genius of violence from the comfort of home!
​[Verse 3]
​Chuck Norris is lucky that I’m stuck in this room
Or I’d send him to the shadow realm, bringer of doom.
I could teach Keanu Reeves how to properly punch
But I’ve got a DoorDash order arriving for lunch.
If I had a different body? Man, I’d give 'em a show
But my legs don't move fast, and my cardio's low.
I’m judging the screen like, "He’s too slow on that kick!"
While I’m licking the dust off a cool nacho chip.
​[Chorus 2]
​Because I know Krav Maga and Sambo as well
Zulu Sticks, Bando—yeah, I’m under the spell.
Bartitsu, Jiu-Jitsu, Pencak Silat...
I’d do that Indonesian stuff, but I’m a bit too fat.
MMA, Wrestling? That’s for the fools
I’m a scholar of the ancient, lethal-ass rules!
​[Outro]
​(Fading out with the sound of heavy breathing)
It doesn’t really matter that I’m sitting here chilling
In my head, I’m a god, and the villains I’m killing.
Best in the world, from my head to my toes...
’Cause nobody knows... what I pretend that I know.
(Sound of a chair squeaking)
...Did I mention I know Savate? It’s French. Very fancy.